i'm not a worrier.

I've never really understood "worriers". Boy, why don't they just let go, and Let Father?, I've asked myself hundreds of times.  I've always thought that the ladies tend to worry more than men, after all, we're just so relaxed and chill and "go with the flow", right?  Yeah, I don't worry. I'm not a worrier. I just think about the future a LOT, more than I should.  I also think about the past quite a bit too. What should happen? What could have happened? What will happen if I...? If I had done this would...?  Am I going to make the same mistake again? But what if I...? The list goes on. And on. And on.  I ask myself questions all the time. As one of my favorite singers Matt Wertz says in one of my favorite songs, "I could think myself dizzy, and right now I'm spinning around." Yeah you see, I don't worry, I just think a lot. That's all. It's different. Isn't it?  What am I going to do next year? Where will I live? Where will I work? Garner? Zebulon? Wilmington? Somewhere else? Will I come back to China in 2013 for language school or will I serve in another country? How will I ever raise that amount of money when I can't even raise what I need to have now? It will be so different back in America without any of my friends from China...I'm going to miss them. What will I do? How will I stay in touch? I don't worry. I mean, a brother's gotta plan for the future right? I'm just planning...in my head...for things that will happen 3 months from now, 7 months from now, or 12 months from now.  I need to be prepared right? Suddenly, I hear the Spirit whisper into my ear "Shh!...sufficient for the day is its own troubles" (Mt 6:34) or "Drew you say: 'Today or tomorrow I will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why? You don't even know what will happen tomorrow." (Jm 4:13-14) and then "be anxious for nothing just let your requests be made known to Me, with thanksgiving." (Ph 4:6) The Conversation usually goes something like this:

• Hey, I'm not worrying. I'm not a worrier. I'm just logical, analytical.  I just analyze everything from every possible angle. I need to know what to expect.
• Sufficient for the day is its own troubles. You're are worrying, stop it. Trust Me.
• I just need to figure this out. I gotta be prepared. I need to think through my options.
• Open your hands. Your life is not your own. I bought you.  You let me care for you. I'll handle this. I've got your back. Trust Me.

Just the other night I was "analyzing" something that was WAY off in the future. I came to myself and said, Wait a second Drew, this is out of your control. You can't change anything by thinking about it.  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Leave it alone. Focus on today.

"Drew, how often do you think about the future? Would you consider yourself someone that plans a lot?" My team leader asked me several months back in one of our one-on-one sessions. I responded that it occurred to me that I didn't used to "plan" or to worry much, but all of a sudden my life was thrown out of whack and I wanted to plan for everything.  Things that I have ZERO control over. Quite frankly, it's ridiculous sometimes. And I over-analyze everything. I pride myself in "connecting dots" and "reading people and situations" and analyzing different small things and drawing "logical" conclusions thereafter (and have even self-dubbed myself "Monk" after the popular TV show because of my attention to detail).  But I can really drive myself crazy sometimes.  Maybe it's part of the Fall or maybe we just have this tendency to want to control and know things that are impossible so that we will be forced to trust in the Prince of Peace.

So every now and then I catch myself thinking about...*ahem* worrying about things that are way off in the future or completely out of my control and it's here that I need to pause and just let Him know what's going on in my head and to trust that He's a Giver of good gifts, of bread and fish, not of snakes, scorpions, and stones. After all, isn't that what it boils down to? : When I worry it means I don't really trust that He has my best interests in mind. My worry is the same as distrusting Him.  So every time I confess my inability before Him I'm effectively telling Him that He is so far above anything that I could conceive that surely he can deal with my little problemitas and in turn provide their solutions. However, despite my tendencies to want to control and manipulate my own life to my own ends, I am SO glad I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and who is WAY more capable than I am and has much better intentions for my life than even I do. That blows my mind and frees me to live life without worry. Now if only I could walk in that Freedom...